Anne's story
#NowIKnow Anne’s story...
Growing up with an autistic younger sibling, it never occurred to me that I could be autistic. We were very different, and I am female!
I seemed to ‘manage’ okay until I hit puberty, when I knew I could not hold it together any longer. But I did not know what was wrong with me, what I needed or how to ask for help. This led to a breakdown, which eventually led to a diagnosis of depression and anti-depressant medication at the age of 15. Consequently, I missed a chunk of schooling and left school without qualifications.
Before my diagnosis, the impact of being autistic weighed heavily on me, particularly on my mental health. I found the world very confusing. I used to berate myself constantly for not ‘just doing stuff’ like everyone else, for being awkward, never following what was perceived as the ‘right’ route. I used to have frequent meltdowns and shutdowns because I used to make myself try and fit in and do stuff that was hard. Autism at this point in my life was a hindrance, an obstacle that had to be conquered over and over again.
"I learned very early on that if I made people laugh, they didn’t question me too much and they didn’t notice when I was getting it wrong, because it looked like I was being funny. That mask kept me safe right through into adulthood."
My nickname growing up was ‘Kwerky’, due to my maiden name being Kirkbride and everyone seeing me as the ‘clown’ and being very quirky. I learned very early on that if I made people laugh, they didn’t question me too much and they didn’t notice when I was getting it wrong, because it looked like I was being funny. That mask kept me safe right through into adulthood. It was not until I watched some training about women and girls on the autism spectrum that I began to recognise my own traits and decided to explore an assessment.
I received a diagnosis, and the process was much easier than I could have expected. I made initial enquires at my GP surgery and the GP arranged a questionnaire for me, which was sent off to the Adult ADHD & Autism Service in Stourbridge. I had an initial appointment to gather my personal history with a specialist nurse, which was supposed to be an hour, but lasted two hours! Then I had an appointment with an autism specific consultant. The whole process was complete within 16 months.
After my diagnosis, I learned to be kinder to myself. I already knew so much about autism, so I already knew lots of strategies that I could use to help me to regulate. I had discovered Maja Toudal’s energy accounting system, which made so much sense and helped me to manage my time and my energy. I found out about executive functioning and began to use strategies to manage my tasks better. I discovered carabiners and began to attach them to all my keys and bags and belongings. I learned to tell people that I am autistic; most of them were not surprised at all! Now, autism is just who I am. It’s not a thing I have; it is my very being.
"I want people to understand that autism is a difference, not a deficit. We are not broken people that need fixing, but being autistic can be exhausting, and it can make you feel lonely."
I want people to understand that autism is a difference, not a deficit. We are not broken people that need fixing, but being autistic can be exhausting, and it can make you feel lonely. I have found my tribe, I am lucky, but I can still feel isolated in a room full of people who I know well and like very much. I wish people could be more tolerant and less quick to judge.
I feel that the more journeys and experiences are shared, the better the chances are that someone who has been struggling to understand themselves will recognise something in one of those stories and will feel able to explore whether they are autistic, and potentially be able to understand themselves better and be kinder to themselves. I know now that my story is not unique, although it is individual to me. I know that there are many others out there who are struggling, and if just one person hears or reads my story and finds their inner peace, it will all be worth it.