Being yourself or fitting in

By Lavender Girl  

I have spent a lifetime trying to fit in. From early days at school trying to join in with the playground games — I was a child of the 1970s — the games were noisy and boisterous — British bulldog, tag, and kiss catch. Torture for a girl like me and far too noisy. All I wanted to do was read or draw. I often went off on my own with my ball or got on my bike and felt the wind in my hair, freedom.

I tried so hard to fit in but I was going against the grain. Not for me any clubs or team sports, I was happiest on my own or with just one friend. High school was exactly the same, a difficult time full of anxiety. I got by and covered everything up as best I could — if I was ever my real self it caused me lots of problems.

Marriage and children followed — I never fitted in with the other mums either, I always felt better with the other kids! I did okay and raised two beautiful and confident children, now adults.

I’ve now got grandchildren and with them I can be myself — I can act silly and they don’t judge. We spend lots of time laughing and playing and spending time in nature. I have a lovely partner and a parttime job in a library, where I’ve worked for twenty years.

I’ve spent a lifetime trying to fit in but finally at the age of 55 I’ve recently had a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Condition. What a revelation and a blessed relief. Now at last I can really start to be myself!