Emma-Jane's story
#NowIKnow Emma-Jane’s story...
I believe if you have a voice and something to say, you should speak your truth, and this is mine. It was confirmed that I am autistic earlier this year, and ever since then, I have been on an emotional journey of rediscovering who I am and how I fit into this world. In March, I wrote a poem called "Tangerine Peel" about being a female on the spectrum, and I am so proud that it was featured on BBC Radio Manchester. Accepting my neurodiversity has unlocked an honesty in me, and this has been reflected in my art. I'm no longer holding back like I was before.
Drama queen. Cry baby. Weirdo. Freak. I have heard them all in my 29 years of life. I often asked myself as a child and adolescent, "What is wrong with me?" At times I felt displaced in society, almost like I didn't receive the same rulebook as everyone else. I learned at an early age that to survive in this world, I would have to try. Try to blend in, try to be accepted and try to become who everyone expected me to be. I masked so well that I created a neurotypical identity for myself to hide behind, but now I am slowly peeling it away.
"At times I felt displaced in society, almost like I didn't receive the same rulebook as everyone else."
Looking back now, it all makes sense. I spent my childhood eating nothing but peanut butter or jam sandwiches with the crusts cut off. I was always lining up my stuffed animals and organising my books by colour, genre and alphabetical order. I loved to sensory seek by spinning around in circles and going on the swings at the park. I was sensory avoidant with most cold foods and I even went through a phase of warming up my cereal. I was highly sensitive, and I often cried when there were loud noises or large crowds of people. I would rewatch The Little Mermaid on VHS over and over again and never get bored of it. I would count the pavement flags in threes and jump to avoid the cracks. I often found myself standing on the outside of the playground watching the other children play, and I struggled to understand people's emotions or intentions (I still do).
I was quite peculiar as a child. How many seven-year-olds do you know who walk around with a mini notebook and pen and write poetry? Not many. My first and deepest special interest has always been words. I was labelled gifted early on in my school life. Hyperlexia was evident, as I was reading well beyond the average level and had an expansive vocabulary at a young age. My teachers identified my talent for writing and actively encouraged my parents to let me express myself this way. I won many poetry competitions during my school years.
I started writing poetry at the age of seven, and I've never really stopped. It's the way I understand my emotions and document my life experiences. In 2020, during the pandemic, I joined an online writing community on Instagram with the handle @emmajanepoetry. Just over two years later, I run a successful collaborative poetry project and have published two poetry books and edited one poetry anthology.
But despite all of this success, I have struggled immensely and silently. At 18, I was crippled with anxiety and diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. And that was it. I blamed my behaviours, traits and quirks, which I now know to be related to autism, on my anxiety disorder. It is common for girls and women on the spectrum to be misdiagnosed with a mood disorder. I suffered regularly with panic attacks, headaches, fatigue and hysterical emotional outbursts. I felt helpless and found myself in many dark places throughout my twenties.
During my previous career as a primary school teacher, many of my colleagues wondered if I was on the spectrum. I was teaching many students in my class that were neurodivergent, and it did make me wonder if I was like them. But as quickly as those thoughts arrived, they disappeared, and autism wasn't a word that I thought of again until I got a new therapist at the beginning of 2022. We talked a lot about my life and she believed I was autistic too, and this time, I listened. I finally felt seen and heard. I started doing in-depth research on what it is to be an autistic woman and scored highly in every known assessment available to me; everything clicked into place.
"As a society, we need to start conversations with autistic people to understand how they experience the world and how to make accommodations for them."
I want those who are not educated about autism to know how it affects people differently, especially women. I want them to read as much as they possibly can to learn about it, so they can be more empathetic and understanding. As a society, we need to start conversations with autistic people to understand how they experience the world and how to make accommodations for them. Also, we need to eradicate stereotypes and increase diversity in autism representation in the media.
I want people to understand that every autistic person is as different as those who are neurotypical. I don't believe autism is on a linear spectrum; I see it more like a colour wheel of traits. Also, I think it's important to understand how freeing this label can be for us.
I have started to be kinder to myself and make accommodations so that I can exist in the world more freely. I wear loop ear plugs whenever I am on a busy train, at a concert, or in a shopping centre. I give myself time to rest and be alone after social events. I allow myself the space to stim freely and no longer apologise for my coping techniques. The world is a chaotic place, and I often find myself being swallowed by it. But I am working on becoming my authentic self, one step at a time.