What led up to your diagnosis and Penny’s?

In my late 20s onwards, my mental health was getting progressively worse. It culminated in my first mental breakdown in 2018 when I was 35, and that kickstarted a journey for me and my wife, Katie, in particular. Things changed from ‘maybe I should get some help’ to ‘I need to get some help’. 

For the first two or three years, the support we accessed was predominantly themed around therapy and treating my depression. I didn’t think there was anything intrinsically ‘different’ about me because I’d grown up in a world that told me I wasn’t special and everyone had their own problems, so I just needed to get on with it. One of my psychologists was the first person to suggest that there was probably something else going on. They gave me some different questionnaires to fill out and wrote to my GP to recommend a referral for ADHD.

At this point, Penny was five. She’s my younger daughter. We had been struggling to manage her mood and behaviour for a while, and I remember thinking a lot that this wasn’t how I remembered it being with her sister but not wanting to say that out loud too much because I didn’t want to simply label her as ‘naughty’.

In the process of filling out the questionnaires for myself, I remember showing them to Katie in shock and saying: “This is Penny.” We pushed for a referral for Penny and went down the pathway simultaneously. 

What was the diagnosis process like for you both? What did it mean when you got your diagnosis?

We ended up using the Right to Choose scheme for both of us, which sped things up – although it still took a while. Penny’s assessment came much sooner than mine because I think the healthcare system prioritises children over adults, and I agree with that.

When they told us that she was autistic and had ADHD, that was a massive surprise for Katie and me. We were only ever thinking of ADHD for Penny. Autism wasn’t on our radar at all. After starting medication for ADHD, we now see so much more of her autistic characteristics than when she was unmedicated – the agreed wisdom says this is really common.

I got my ADHD diagnosis in November 2023. There was a recommendation to consider looking into autism as well, so I made that same referral request for an autism assessment. At the beginning of February 2025, I was diagnosed as autistic. 

I became really emotional when I received my diagnosis, and I think what came out of me was an overwhelming sense of relief. My pessimism is such that I went through the entire assessment process expecting to be told, ‘You’re not autistic’, which would send us back to the drawing board. So, in the end, having the feedback from professionals that confirms your own suspicions was both a relief and affirming, while also processing the grief for not knowing sooner. 

I received my diagnosis just over two weeks before filming for this campaign took place, so it feels a bit like I’m processing everything in public! I don’t mind that, but I think such an experience is probably quite atypical to how most people go through their diagnosis journey. 

Despite knowing this isn’t actually the case, I sometimes feel ‘more autistic’ since being diagnosed, but I think the diagnosis has given me permission to drop the façade, the mask, and stop worrying about “fitting in”. I definitely feel very raw and emotionally exposed right now, but I’m okay with that while I’m figuring things out.

With Penny, again, it felt really freeing. It took a load of pressure off us feeling that we were doing something wrong as parents or that there was something wrong with her. There’s nothing wrong with her, of course. And also, from a parenting perspective, the diagnosis is helpful because it immediately stops us from holding her to the standards expected of ‘typical’ children. So many of Penny’s behaviours are out of her control, so why discipline her for them if that’s the case? 

What does being autistic mean for you and Penny?

I don’t feel like I’m a participant in the world, and to be honest, I never have; I feel like I’m an observer. And yet, despite feeling disconnected, cold, objective, I definitely prefer that I am this way, even though I also feel how my brain never switches off.

I know that as an adult, the onus is only ever going to be on me to regulate and do what’s right for me. It feels daunting to all of a sudden be empowered with the knowledge of who I am. I feel like the diagnosis gives me permission to acknowledge when I’m struggling or uncomfortable and be okay with doing something about it, whereas I just used to ignore my discomfort.

For Penny, I think it can be confusing. She’s nine years old, so it’s not on her to create strategies. She needs adult intervention and support, people anticipating when she might need a break, even encouraging her to check in with how she’s feeling. Unfortunately, we don’t see as much of that support for Penny as we’d like because she masks and the issues she is having aren’t obvious. Even though she may ‘look’ fine, she may not be. When it all comes out of her afterwards, when she feels safe enough to take off the mask, she doesn’t necessarily know why or what she’s feeling, and that can be really challenging to manage. 

On the other hand, because she was diagnosed relatively early, we have normalised who she is straightaway. There are definitely times when she’s into it in the best possible way, when she gives herself permission to put the green lanyard on and proudly describes herself as autistic or ADHD. She’s getting better and better at doing that, and it’s amazing to see.

Knowing opens up the support you can access so you can better help and understand yourself. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t look into it if they had their suspicions about themselves or a loved one.

There’s no suggestion in the film that this is what it’s like for all autistic people, but it doesn’t mean that my and Penny’s version of autism is less than anyone else’s. We loved the opportunity to be able to represent what we experience and put it out there for everyone. 

I just want to dispel the myths and feel legitimised and seen. 

As the campaign focuses on how people show up, could you tell us how people have shown up for you and your family?

When I think about the sorts of things that make a difference, none of it’s rocket science. It’s not like there’s one catch-all thing that will suddenly make everything easier. Everything is micro: it’s half a dozen things as opposed to just one. 

For Penny and me, the major thing that makes a difference is just time, giving us time. 

As the parent of an autistic child, when I’m addressing her or communicating with her, I do that with the lens of direct address, not shouting through rooms and not assuming that the silence that follows my question is out of ignorance/not listening: it’s her processing what you said. I also recognise myself doing that, and colleagues give me that space.

Also, I’ve got some really good friends. As I’ve become more aware of my autism and ADHD, they’ve removed those ‘typical’ burdens of keeping in touch, making plans or even keeping to commitments. I don’t feel any expectation from them in terms of our relationship. The unspoken message is always, ‘I’m here if you need me.’

What do you both hope people learn or take away from this campaign?

There is less and less excuse to not make things more accommodating, accessible or not to be mindful of others. 

I suppose ‘listening’ is the word that comes to mind.

I would say that the journey that we’re on and the situation we’re in is almost single-handedly led from our end. I absolutely know that there are other kids who need more resources, time and intervention than Penny. But I don’t want it to be a debate. I want it to be like, ‘She needs it. She’s a human being, she’s entitled to it.’

If you just make a small change, then you’re helping her and others like her.

What does autism acceptance mean to you?

I often think that, first and foremost, it’s reshaping the way we all think about what we want society to be. Whether it’s as simple as, ‘Shall we all slow down a little bit?’ Why is everything so all or nothing straight away?

When we think about accommodations at work, I’m given permission if I need to leave my desk and have a walk. You inherently think, from a management perspective, they are thinking, ‘Yes, when you get back, you’ll make that up.’ It’s about removing all of that subtext from the equation and being like, ‘There’s nothing to be made up – that’s what you need.’