Fitting the mask
By Kayleigh
Fitting in is a challenging thing to learn and can feel necessary to survive. I think it is a widely spread Autistic experience that we don’t feel as though we “fit in” especially in school settings, we can feel alienated and like outsiders most of the time. Until we realise our Autism, it can seem impossible to place the reasons for any of this. There is always this overwhelming sense of a rulebook that our peers seem to have been given at birth and we did not. No one would share their social etiquette secrets with us which leaves us to fill in the gaps and hope we can fake it till we make it.
By watching those around us and every interaction that leaves us in trouble for something we do not understand, we begin to mould our mask. Masking is a common Autistic trait where we mimic other people’s mannerisms and try to present in a similar way to our neurotypical peers. By masking our Autism, the aim is to “fit in” better and protect ourselves from harm related to being identified as “other” or “different”.
It is a most common practice for Autistic girls to pretend to enjoy the same things as their peers and not know why they don’t actually feel they belong there. It is part of the reason why young girls have the possibility of Autism being overlooked far more regularly than young boys. As a woman I had this experience in my younger years, I felt lonely and worked so hard to be like the other girls but never felt like any of them were my real friends. I felt disconnected and was often bullied for being different. I became very good at mimicking other people’s voices and mannerisms.
This followed me into customer service. I had my scripts and would always say them in exactly the same way as I first heard them, and people perceived me as good at my job and efficient in communicating. To me it felt like I had a completely different persona at work than I did at home. On the occasion I slipped up I would receive strange looks and confused customers that appeared to suddenly no longer understand me or that I had somehow become a different person before their eyes. Every day I went home exhausted, irritable, and miserable.
My colleagues were always surprised when I needed time off as I presented so well during the days I was there. They never saw the burnout from carrying the weight of this mask all day everyday because my true Autistic self was not equipped to work such in a highly demanding job as being in front of customers without a moment to breathe five days every week.
The worst part is I had perfected this mask and I did seem like I fitted in to everyone else, internally however I never felt more alone. Anything that wasn’t masking was considered inappropriate or unprofessional. It is safe to say after my diagnosis I learned why I felt the way I did as well as taking time off over lockdowns realising that I was unhappy masking and if the way I was without it wasn’t going to be accepted then I did not want to work there anymore.
I found I was hiding stims, changing my voice, the way I looked and just about everything else about me to appease those around me and I am sure after so many years of building my mask up it will take many more to break it back down. I believe there should be better education for relationships of all kinds so that cliques and isolating groups become less common, and kids can be free with their self-expression. Most things that happen to us as children end up affecting adulthood and how we relate to the world. The early developmental stages that Autistic people often have delays and difficulty with are overlooked when we are able to present like the other children, leaving us to feel lost amongst our peers.
For us fitting in can truly be the loneliest thing we can do. Which makes little sense to neurotypicals and quite frankly I still don’t know how they maintain their friendships with others. Finding happiness alone can be beneficial to creating lasting relationships with others later on. It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard sometimes, but it can be more fulfilling than pretending to be something we are not. Dropping the mask can reveal who our true friends are and those who just want to surround themselves with people just like them. Doesn’t that sound boring? Who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by all sorts of people with so many special interests you can share together? I know what I would prefer!
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