But beneath the surface I struggled. The uncomfortable and awkward feeling of communicating with others, never really knowing if I had said something inappropriate. My naive nature, lack of co-ordination and high-pitched voice. At times, I would experience intrusive thoughts and a feeling of danger all around. It was never a problem working with a photographer but I struggled with the social side of modelling.  

But there was one thing that would never hold me back – a determination and passion to be part of this wonderful creative industry. Working with amazing individuals, who held the same passion for fashion and photography as I do.

I had great difficulties in conversation, trembling at eye contact and never being sure of what I was supposed to say. But I was unusually relaxed at public speaking, which I turned to my advantage, opening up new opportunities to project myself. 

Modelling was a way for me to express myself. Something I had always struggled with at school and throughout my childhood. It opened many doors for me, from driving around New York in chauffeured limousines to appearing as a guest on The Joan Rivers Show, and working on films and TV shows. It was such a far cry from being this timid schoolgirl who struggled at school, never really understanding or processing well what was going on around her. Feeling misunderstood. My memory of school was sitting on the cold pavement in the playground behind a bush in the schoolground to avoid the relentless teasing from the other girls. I could hardly hold my head up looking down to the ground, hiding behind my hair.  

However, as I progressed into my mid-twenties, and my modelling career trailed off, I would become more self-aware and depressed. Often bursting into tears without understanding why. I sought help for depression and underwent CBT therapy.  

It was only in my mid-forties, after a bout of post-natal depression, that I received my autism diagnosis. Initially, this depressed me further. My demons had been right all along – there really was something different about me. I wished I had been diagnosed earlier and had the right tailored intervention in childhood. But this passed into a sense of liberation that I had finally found a home, a place I could be comfortable in myself.

I still have problems with socialising and sensory overload, sometimes to the point of debilitation. But now I have a “toolkit” to deal with them, to break down my problems, which has completely turned my way of thinking. I also have a network of other autistic women who I can relate to. I feel much more positive, well… at least most of the time.  

I see myself as an autism evangelist, creating a brighter future by spreading the news of the gifts of being on the autism spectrum. Getting away from the idea that autism is a disorder or condition, and looking instead at the fine things that have been laid upon our table. I want to inspire young people on the autism spectrum and help them recognise the many advantages they have. The attention to detail. The hyper focus on a topic of interest. The ability to retain vast amounts of information. To see patterns that others don’t, and express ideas in ways others can’t.  

I wanted to share my Now I Know story to champion different ways of thinking and what that can add to the world we live in. Ultimately, I want to help build the foundations for a brighter future for people on the autism spectrum.