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How to bring up that you think someone may be autistic

It can be difficult to know how to broach the subject that you think someone may be autistic. Some people may have already considered this themselves, but others may be shocked by the suggestion. This page contains advice about how to bring this topic up in a sensitive and well-informed way.

Should you tell someone you think they are autistic?

There is no single correct answer to this question because the decision must be based on your consideration of the specific person, their situation and your relationship with them. 

There are many variables that can influence how a child or adult may react to the suggestion that they may be autistic, including: 

  • their understanding of autism
  • whether they have seen autism or autistic people in the media, films or on TV and how this was portrayed
  • how people around them have spoken about autism
  • how comfortable or self-conscious they feel about the signs that make you think they might be autistic
  • whether or not they have already considered that they may be autistic themselves. 

If you do decide to bring it up, it is important to do so positively and sensitively because it can be very difficult to predict how someone will feel about it.
 

Advice about speaking to an adult for family, friends and partners

If you decide that it will help your family member, partner or friend’s wellbeing to share your thoughts, things you can consider include: 

  • finding out about autism, to gain a good understanding of autism before speaking to the person
  • don’t overwhelm them with too much information at once; give them time to process the information given
  • having resources available or know where they can find information
  • answering questions honestly and directly, and seeking answers you may not know
  • keeping calm, relaxed and positive
  • choosing to talk in an environment they are comfortable in
  • checking what they already know about autism
  • referring to books, TV shows and web resources that introduce what autism is. 

Be aware that not all information and media about autism is reliable and evidence based. You should be particularly wary of any source that talks about how to ‘cure’ or ‘treat’ autism, which is not possible and so the source is likely to be unreliable. Read more about this issue on our Strategies and interventions page.
 

Advice for parents and carers speaking to a child

Autistic people and family members suggest that it is best to start discussing autism with children as early as possible. This is because they recognised that autistic children: 

  • tend to notice their differences (from other children) early
  • might not communicate their awareness of these differences
  • are less likely to experience shame for their differences, challenges or support needs if they are given a positive perception of autism and the tools/opportunity to learn about themselves and their needs
  • need to know that there are other people like them in the world. 

Some parents and carers may want to discuss autism with their child before an assessment and others may want to wait until after an autism diagnosis has been confirmed. Before an assessment, you may need to talk to your child about their strengths, challenges, support needs or sensory differences; you may wish to let them know about and prepare them for their autism assessment; or you may want to be ready in case they bring it up with you. 

Evidence sources tend to focus on parents or carers telling children that they are autistic following a formal diagnosis, rather than bringing it up with them before an assessment. You can find information about this in the section ‘How and when should I talk to my child about their autism diagnosis?’ on our page Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis. 

General advice from autistic adults about speaking to a child includes: 

  • use age-appropriate language and resources
  • start by talking about difference (for example that different people experience the world in different ways and everyone’s brain works differently) 
  • ensure they know that difference isn’t bad or scary
  • introduce the subject in a relaxed way, preferably in a relaxed environment
  • introduce information slowly and gently and be ready to spread information out over multiple conversations, adding more details as they get older
  • answer questions honestly and directly; if you don’t know the answer then say that, but offer to find out help them find out
  • put the child’s feelings and behaviours into context for them
  • talk about and begin to support the child to understand their own strengths, challenges and support needs
  • ensure the child knows that it’s not their fault if people aren’t understanding of their differences
  • find books and TV shows that present difference in a positive way, particularly autism. 

Be aware that not all information and media about autism is reliable and evidence based. You should be particularly wary of any source that talks about how to ‘cure’ or ‘treat’ autism, which is not possible and so the source is likely to be unreliable. Read more about this issue on our Strategies and interventions page.

Insight from autistic people and family members


Bringing it up with an adult

"If they already don't know that they may be neurodivergent, they probably don't know much about neurodiversity and unfortunately there are so many stigmas … about being on the autism spectrum that are super negative and a lot of the information that is out there that's general 'public knowledge' isn't right, isn't true – the stereotypes aren't true – so we need to be really careful when we're talking to people that we think maybe are on the autism spectrum because we don't know… what they know about autism."

– Claire, Should you tell someone they're autistic?

(Giving advice to another community member:) 
"You want to approach it carefully to make sure your partner doesn't get offended or think you are blaming her for problems [in your] relationship. I would say, the best approach would be to see if she is curious about her various idiosyncrasies and see if she wants to do a screening test herself (treat it like a fun quiz not like a test). It is quite likely she would be curious or she might have secretly suspected it already. But if she doesn't want to pursue the topic, don't push it. You can still research autism yourself."

– Online community member, Telling a partner you think they may be autistic?

"Contrary to popular belief, not everyone you meet is ‘a little bit autistic’, so before you go blurting out a potential diagnosis left, right and centre, it’s probably best to make sure you are well armed with the facts (and saying that someone resembles Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory is not a fact)."

– James, I think someone is autistic, what now?

"I didn’t fully understand or believe I was autistic until I watched various YouTube videos from other autistics that openly talked about their experiences. Hearing and seeing what others have gone through helped me to see the same things in myself. It made me realise that I wasn’t alone and that what I am feeling is valid."
 
– Anon, How to tell your child about their autism diagnosis

Bringing it up with a child

'I recommend the book All cats are on the autism spectrum because it is a fun, age-appropriate way to introduce the topic without creating a sense of embarrassment or alienation. It’s never too early to celebrate your little one’s neurology and individual personality so that they can know their authentic selves.'
– Anon, How to tell your child about their autism diagnosis

'I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 11, but before I got the diagnosis, I already knew I was different from others around me. … Thus, we don’t really have the option of hiding the fact that someone is autistic. We can just leave them without an explanation for why they are different. Without the autism label, it’s easy for people to start blaming themselves. That’s a path towards self-hatred and depression, which is not where we want to go.' 
– Patrick, Revealing the diagnosis to an autistic child

'You may think that an autistic child won’t notice they are different than their non-autistic peers unless someone tells them, due to a supposed lack of social awareness. I have not met one autistic person (myself included) who hasn’t noticed their difference early in life. … My parents only told me I was autistic after looking at my internet history, and finding out that I already knew.'
– Reid, Parents: don’t hide your children’s autism diagnosis from them 

'We did go through the assessment process and explained that we were trying to find out why she found some things quite tricky and that maybe we could find some ways to help her make life a little easier. We explained that part of this would see whether she might have autism.'
– Lisa, NAS Online Community member

Advice for health care and education professionals

Typically, the person themselves, their parent or carer, or a professional such as a doctor or a teacher will be the first to raise the possibility that someone might be autistic. 

If a professional identifies this first, suggestions for best practice include: 

  • make notes about what you have identified, including:
    • the specific behaviours
    • the contexts they were observed in
    • the impact on the person
  • speak to the adult themselves, or to a child or young person’s parent/carer, about the signs you have identified, before any referral is made
    • consider who would be best to have this conversation – they or their parents/carers might be more responsive to one team member over another
    • choose the right time – a specific meeting might be more useful than a general meeting (e.g. a parents evening)
    • it may be useful to talk about the signs you have identified in terms of behaviours, rather than diagnostic labels at this stage
    • it may take time for the person or their parents/carers to identify for themselves or agree that these behaviours or signs are present, and the idea of addressing them may need to be broached gradually.
  • avoid bombarding them / their parents/carers with lots of information to process at the same time
    • be mindful of language – try to frame the prospect of an assessment positively and as a potentially helpful venture (for example, to help you find out what you are good at and get support for things that you find challenging)
    • identify the strengths as well as needs of the individual
    • allow time for them to process information and ask questions
    • have information, articles and resources to hand
  • stigma and a lack of understanding about autism may also make it difficult for them to accept that they or their child may be autistic
  • teachers could seek support from their school’s special educational needs coordinator/additional support needs lead
  • if the person or their parent/carer approaches them, professionals should take their suggestion seriously
    • bear in mind that the difficulties children may be having in one setting (e.g. at home) might not show in other settings (e.g. at school) but are nonetheless worth investigation
  • speak to other professionals known to them, with their or their parent/carer’s consent, to determine whether these signs have been identified elsewhere, and across multiple settings.
  • ensure that individuals, with or without a diagnosis, receive as much support as is necessary – many support avenues, including educational support plans, do not require a formal diagnosis.

Links, resources and article sources

Related advice and support

Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

Read more

Deciding whether to seek an autism assessment

Read more

How to request an autism assessment

Read more

Related videos
 

Dr Sarah Lister Brook. Clinical Director, National Autistic Society

Expert Q&A with Dr Sarah Lister Brook

Our Clinical Director answers common questions about autism assessment and diagnosis in this YouTube playlist.

View on YouTube

My diagnosis story: Finty

Our Young Ambassador shares her experience of autism assessment and diagnosis.

Watch the video

Related services
 

Online Community

Our online community is a place for autistic people and their families to meet like-minded people and share their experiences.

Join the community

Diagnostic services

Our specialist diagnostic and assessment service for children, young people and adults.

Autism assessments

Autism Services Directory

The UK’s most comprehensive directory of services and support for autistic people, their families, and the people who work with them.

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